Kim Jong Un, leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK) and owner of the world’s worst mullet, is back in the news, not that he ever really left it.
And before going on, I’d just like to point out that any nation that feels the need to have the word democratic as part of the official name of the country is more than likely to be the farthest thing from democracy one could find. And when the word people is also thrown in there, you can bet that the “people” are the last folks consulted when it comes to national policy.
When it comes to national policy, North Korea doesn’t have one beyond keeping the Kim family in power, as they’ve been since the creation of the place back in the late 1940’s. In fact, the Kims are considered demigods, descending down from a sacred mountain in the nation’s north to benevolently rule over their adoring people. At least those people they haven’t shot, poisoned, blew up, or starved to death. Those types of people were killed or allowed to starve and represent a couple of million out of a population 26.2 million. The rest of the population keep their mouths shut and their heads down, unless they are part of the chosen ones who facilitate the tragic and dark comedy of their Dear Leader.
Kim has been flailing about in the past many months struggling mightily to gain somebody’s, anybody’s attention, usually through threats and attempts at intimidation, mostly directed at South Korea, often towards the United States, sometimes towards Japan, and generally towards any others who question anything connected to this pompous little bag of misery. With an enornous and well-deserved inferiority complex, Kim hates being ignored, so these little bouts of infantile distemper come to the fore. Shaking his fist at the entire world, except for his buddies in Russia, China, and Iran, Kim demands our respect, and if he doesn’t get it, by God he’s prepared to blow us all up. If you’re ever in need of violent belly laugh, watch a North Korean newscast. Seriously, go watch a North Korean newscast. It’s a real treat and a real mood-improver.
The only thing is, North Korea happens to be one of the most pathetic places in the entire world, a condition that extends to their vaunted military, bristling as it is with weaponry that would make arms manufacturers of the early twentieth century blush in embarrassment for the poor fellow. And that would be before they even saw his picture.
His pal Vladimir The Great, Mr. Potato Head leader of Russia, came for a nice visit to Pyongyang where the red carpet was rolled out and the assembled children sang songs of beautiful and eternal friendship. Putin even gave him a new car, a limousine made in Russia that appeared to be a bad cross between a Mercedes, a Chrysler 300, and a cutting board, heavy emphasis on the latter. Vlad also brought with him a bag of nuclear missile technology for the North Koreans to chew on in an attempt to prevent any more North Korean rockets from blowing up on their launch pads. The North Koreans also want to get some satellite technology from the Russians, I guess so they can get a better look at the Russians getting ass-kicked by the Ukrainians in that senseless conflict happening in Eastern Europe. And finally, Putin brought cash, just not real cash, but Russian rubles, a currency so worthless it could be put into cereal boxes as a special play treat for the kids.
Why all the largesse from Putin to Kim?
Well, the Russians, world masters at corruption, incompetence, and ineptitude, are in tough against Ukraine. They’ve lost upwards of 650,000 men, over 2,000 tanks, several thousand other armoured vehicles, a good chunk of their air force and air defence, and almost the totality of the Black Sea Fleet, a grand name for a collection of armoured bathtubs. You’ve probably heard this before. Why does the new Russian Navy build their warships with glass bottoms? Answer? So they can see the old Russian Navy.
Putin needs help and he needs it bad, so he came into town with the suitcase full of shiny things so as to extract from the Dear Leader promises of weapons, particularly artillery, artillery shells, some tanks and other armour, and until now not really known about, manpower. And so, the North Koreans have dutifully sent the weapons on to Russia, which is fantastic for the Russians, now that all their own impregnable weapons systems, the gleaming pride of the nation, have been shot to shit by the Ukrainians. So now they’re being supplemented with North Korean weapons that make a slingshot look like an attractive battlefield option.
Ukraine and South Korea have now identified the presence of North Korean troops in Russia, being “trained” by the Russians so as to prepare them for the frontlines with Ukraine. Honestly, North Korean soldiers are a miserable lot, both in spirit and capability, and the fact that they’re being trained by the Russians has many informed folks falling out of their chairs in laughter. And soon, these hapless North Koreans will be fed into the front lines, there to be chewed-up by the Ukrainians, right alongside the already chewed-up Russians.
It is to weep.
Pyongyang is also huffing and puffing about blowing the house down with South Korea, the neighbour with which it is still, technically, at war since 1953. Kim doesn’t like it when the South Koreans pull off regular military exercises with its major ally the United States, sometimes joined by Japan. So he threatens madness and mayhem all around, and really, there’s not much in this world that can rival North Korea frothing at the mouth as must-watch YouTube entertainment, categorized under comedy.
The big issue now is the South Korean response to North Korea unleashing a bunch of balloons carrying payloads of garbage, scrap, and animal/human feces over the South and dumping the contents upon those bloody South Koreans, those “puppet sons of toothless dogs,” or something to that effect. Dogs figure prominently in North Korean insults, so no offence to the family pet intended.
In response, South Korea sent drones filled with propaganda pamphlets and dropped them over North Korea’s capital, Pyongyang. Propaganda as in photos and other artifacts showing what life is like in South Korea. Stuff Kim vehemently doesn’t want his peasant population to see. As well, it was a bit of a slap in the face for the Mullet-That-Walked-Like-a-God in that those drones had to traverse 150 kilometres of air defence just to get to the place, and they did so unseen and unscathed. And Russia’s buying their weapons!
Kim is so mad that he’s doubling down on his threats, and has moved additional forces to the border with the South, accompanied by threats of imminent military action. He’s likely hoping somebody like the United States steps in and says “hey, please don’t attack, here’s some money and humanitarian aid” as has happened at points in the past. But sadly the boy who came from the boy who came from the boy who walked down from the crest of Mount Paektu, (which translated means “sacred mountain of the revolution” in case you were wondering) has overplayed his hand. He has sent a good chunk of his armaments and some of his army to go fight in Ukraine, so he’s not really in a position to be threatening anyone more robust than a goldfish. Plus, in a military confrontation, South Korea would overwhelmingly and decisively pound the DPRK back into the tenth century, a mighty drop from the fourteenth century in which they currently live. And all those nuclear missiles that they have? Not a one of those will come anywhere near South Korean soil, as they’ll have been shot down by the South Koreans, Americans, and likely the Japanese over North Korea itself. That is those that get off the launch pads and out of their firing tubes.
It is to weep again.
So, it appears we are witnessing the sad but inevitable demise of the Mullet Empire and some of the baggiest pants this side of Donald Trump. South Korea is simply not taking any more of this adolescent’s crap, and I think the United States has tired of this clown car as well.
North Korea would never attack South Korea as it would be the end of them, which has some of us hoping that they actually do, as it would give us an afternoon’s worth of entertainment. Comedians world-wide would be upset, though, having lost some of their primo material.
It’s to the point where the Chinese would love them to be gone too, except they wouldn’t want a real democratic Korea supported by the Americans on their doorstep. Still, the Chinese hate them, and friends, that right there says plenty.
So, truly, tune into the North Korean news while there’s still North Korean news. Because if they don’t start smartening up, that show is gonna get cancelled.
NEWSMAGRENFREW 