Doesn’t it just figure that, when I go to expand into social media platforms, I end up on Elon Musk’s.
Life does have its odd way of expressing its version of humour, given how I feel about the man and how I take just about any opportunity to ridicule him. Yet here I am again, humbled by the dude who looks like a B-List villain from the old Batman series I once watched on television when I was a kid.
Facebook wouldn’t have me. Instagram neither. Seems I’m a slice of Canadian media to them, and they don’t like me because they’re still having their temper tantrum over the government making them pay for stolen Canadian journalism. You should have seen the notifications I got from them, telling me my accounts were suspended because I had violated their rules of service by, well, breathing. I was actually frightened for a minute, momentarily considering the implications of Facebook cops in dark vehicles outside my home. I got banned from Instagram before I was even on Instagram, it was that bad.
Come to think of it, that Mark Zuckerman is an odd-looking villainous fellow in his own right. And I never thought I’d encounter another human who would divert me from chewing on Elon’s leg, but along comes Mark with his odd-shaped head. I remember when Musk challenged him to a UFC-type fight that never happened. That was something I would have bought the popcorn for.
TikTok’s all about videos, plus they’re likely going to be banned because of their alleged complicity in spying for the Chinese Communist Party, so no thanks to be given to those insidious guys over at the the CCP. So the Tok’s out of the question, too. Plus, I’m not much of a dancer, at least not in public where people can actually see. And I pull the blinds at home.
I’d make a stab at Telegram, but I’m not a secret agent or a terrorist and don’t know any secret agents or terrorists so it doesn’t look like there’s much of a future there. Plus, I don’t think secret agents and terrorists would like my stuff anyway. They’re pretty fussy about what they read.
There’s just no way I’m going to gravitate to Pinterest. That’s just a hard no. Facebook with flowers and incense. Just a hard pass on that one. I like a good smell and everything, but no.
So it’s me and Elon, buddies because he’s the only guy who’ll have me and my ragged little effort at being a news blogger. So it looks like I’m on X. Is there any way, though, that I can block the insufferable adolescent pube on his own platform?
I don’t even have a single follower, which is terrific on the self-esteem. Basically talking to myself, off in some deep, dark corner of the internet, in some place called X for heaven’s sake. What a great place to find oneself at breakfast on a Sunday morning. Deep in the shadows. I can hear the abandoned saloon doors swinging, the tumbleweed passing by in the dusty breeze.
It may sound exotic, and maybe it is for others, but there’s no exotica that I can make out anywhere.
There’s really no incentive to becoming a follower, no prizes offered, no real bragging rights to be had. I mean it would probably thrill the hell out of me, but if it’s just going to be the two of us, we could maybe just get coffee. I don’t even know how to get noticed on X in the first place, so I guess I’ve got some researching to do if I’m to “grow” my brand. My son tells me that X is a dead-end, that nobody’s there, and he probably knows better than I do, but I still cling to to that narrow sliver of hope, sometimes referred to as fantasy. Some say it’s an echo-chamber, but you need to make some kind of sound to generate an echo, don’t you? So far, I’m X-ing in complete silence. The social media equivalent of self-imposed solitary confinement.
I’m kind of nervous about all of this, the prospect of not even getting a first follower, let alone multiple followers. Imagine having zero followers? What a blow to any visions of grandeur I may have been contemplating. And it says that I’m following three people but I don’t really, I had to follow them to get in the door. How sad would it be if I could remove the three people I’m following, leaving me with zeros across the board? I haven’t been ignored this extensively since my last email to Town Hall, and that’s really saying something.
Maybe my readers in America will jump aboard, and maybe that person in Greece. Even the guy in Nigeria, for heaven’s sake. For some reason, I lost all my German friends, so I guess it’s going to be unrealistic to be counting on them to show up. Can’t think of what I might have said to anger the Germans, but they’re gone now, and they were some of my biggest fans, so it’s not looking good. I was even going to write something German-centric as an act of appreciation, but they left town before I could even follow up on the thought. So please, hang in there, Nigeria.
All I’m looking for is a place to post news that doesn’t require an article or an opinion piece. I’m not looking to share the details of my breakfast or keep people up-to-date on whatever it is that I happen to be doing, or who I’ve developed a crush on. You’ll see no flower arrangements or plated food I might be proud of. I’m pretty, yes, but in an Abraham Lincoln sort of way, so no need to post any of that kind of thing. If I try on a new hat, nobody needs to see it. And if I get a haircut, I guess you’ll find out soon enough because it’s a small town. Plus, I cut my own hair, something people continually feel they need to point out to me as being obvious.
It’s just random stuff I happen to come across, perhaps of some interest to someone out there, things that sort of speak for themselves. The kind of thing your local FM station would be all over if it wasn’t busy posting pictures and accolades for its Great Leader, a man who seemingly never met a camera he didn’t want to jump in front of, or a microphone he didn’t want to monopolize. I’ll leave it to yourFM to cover him and his indispensable thinking on topics far and wide. I won’t see him anywhere on X, which will be refreshing, so there’s that.
I’d pick on that other local media place but there is nothing local or media to pick on. They had lots to say in the past and did a lot of mouth-flapping, but I don’t see them around anymore in any meaningfully consequential way. They are the losers of the Great Local Media Game. They may well have been losers long before that. Plus they couldn’t take a photo worth s**t. Show them the door and have them take it with them when they leave. I’d be more than happy with a new door.
Wow, a little bit of a hissy-jag over the CAP’N CRUNCH this morning. A little bit of a snarl on. And it’s Sunday for heaven’s sake, mere days before Christmas. I should relax, maybe find some chill, not the stuff I’m going to be walking into soon, but the other kind of chill. So I will, starting now, and for the rest of the morning.
Back to X, it looks like it’s just going to me and Elon, thrust together as pals simply because he was the only guy who would have me. It kind of chokes me up when I think about it. But if it wasn’t for him, you’d be left with only an oldies radio station giving you those “child throws snowball” kind of stories that serve as the core, the foundation, of their news empire. I truly feel embarrassed for their advertisers. Paying to have your name next to that stuff must be brutal. So much for choosing chill.
So X it is.
I’m so thankful to Elon that I might just go all-in for my blue check mark, so I can be the real deal, and not some loser imposter passing themselves off as me, like that happens ever.
NEWSMAGRENFREW 