A Canadian version of the Mujahideen?
Well, right off the hop, we have to deal with the whole Islamic specificity of that word, as it properly refers to those engaged in jihad, or the defence of Islam. And Canada, despite the histrionic assertions of unhinged right-wing calamity thinkers, is not an Islamic country. Yet no word really matches the need more than this one, made famous by generations of so-called “freedom fighters” who managed to chase, in turn, the British, the Russians, and the Americans out of their lands.
We don’t need to become the Mujahideen, but we may need to ape their organization, their structure, recruitment methods, and tactics if we are to win our multi-year war of freedom from our erstwhile friends and neighbours in the UST, or the United States of Trump.
Another problem.
The American invasion of Canada will likely not involve American M1A1 tanks trundling across the border to take up positions at Tim Hortons locations and strangle the Canada out of us by taking away our coffee. We have the Step N’ Back Diner in any event, so we’re good on that score.
No, the American invasion of Canada will be an economic strangulation, where they tighten the screws on us to the point where most of us can’t afford to live the lives we were living, where they make it difficult on our quality of life, where they threaten the value of our stock portfolios due to the attack on our Canadian dollar. Where our retirement pensions lose value due to that same attack on the Canadian dollar, given most retirement funds have a huge stock market presence. The only people that I can see not effected would likely be the homeless, but even they rely somewhat on the generosity of others, and those others may not be in a position of generosity given the changes in their own fortunes.
I wouldn’t want to be the guy driving around with a Trump flag on his truck anymore. That guy’s f****d. And even he, just like the rest of us, is going to be squeezed and twisted like yesterday’s empty tube of toothpaste, a metaphor probably lost on him anyways, but there it is.
If this were a military invasion, we’d have more of a chance. The Americans absolutely suck at occupations. They’re fabulous at tearing over the border and shooting the place up, after, of course, the obligatory carpet-bombing and missile-slinging to soften us up. That we could offer up any realistic defence is as ridiculous a notion as could be imagined.
If it were a military thing, I’d just let ‘em have it, as in offering no opposition, rather than swinging wildly on our way down. Give ‘em the Ol’ What Fer, not by fighting back physically, but by allowing them free access.
“You want it boys? Here it is, come and get it.”
Here it is, indeed.
Welcome to Renfrew. It’s yours to flourish. We’re having a terrible time on our own with that whole flourish thing, so maybe a few hundred non-woke American servicemen and women is what we need to get the trains running on time, another metaphor that goes nowhere since we ripped up the tracks long ago.
We could smile and wave and throw flower petals in the wake of the advancing Americans, our liberators from the Ma-Te-Way thing, and all the other things that drive us to distraction. But as darkness falls, and the solitary ice fisherman returns to his hut and his Coleman stove, the Viet Cong among us sew confusion and terror among the invaders, all before sunrise when we have to return to our jobs of smiling and feeding them breakfast. And Canadian back bacon is just the ticket.
Bacon On A Bun would be the Renfrew-specific weapon of choice. Throw in a Cherry Blossom to finish. Those bastards will all be dead in twenty years of exploding hearts. And until we develop a bacon that can drop a man, or woman, in his/her tracks right there in the breakfast mess, our resistance to a military invasion and occupation would be a long-term proposition.
We could develop a tactic of passive resistance, where we could all simultaneously declare ourselves to be homeless. We could lay in the streets, beg American soldiers for candy and chocolate or US dollars, clog up the intersections, defecate on their equipment and their boots. Every shopping cart in town would go missing, although everybody knows they’re all downtown at the Low Square encampment.
We could demand the Americans build us a pool. Why not? We’re desperate, for heaven’s sake. We can say what we want. They wouldn’t listen anyways, because no one listens to the homeless. So I’ll have to walk this one back. We’re just never gonna get that damned pool.
If we didn’t get one after spending over $50 million, then I’d have to say never is a realistic timeline.
I look forward to Cal Scott changing his sign to “AMERICANS OUT !” I further look forward to seeing Cal Scott dragged from his store by American intelligence agents, as big a misnomer as I can imagine, given who they are and what they’re doing and who they’re doing it to.
I shouldn’t have said that. Cal is my brother, my comrade-in-arms. We’re all in this fight together, and petty differences take a back seat to the overall strategic objective, the removal of the Yankee invaders.
But still, the imagery is fabulous.
I wonder if that car will still be parked in front of that hair salon on Hall Street? Or will it be the Americans that finally take action and fire a tank round into the thing, reducing it to a flaming hulk, which we would all flock to in an attempt to find warmth on a chilly night.
In many ways, a military invasion would be an easier problem for us to deal with, although it requires a long game, one that some of us won’t see the end of. But an economic invasion would be more problematic, as we have no weapons, and we may face a certain and eventual submission.
No Great Britain to sail to our rescue this time. No Tecumseh’s out there on some reserve who are going to give the Americans fits as they let out their blood curdling war cries in the night.
Nope. Economic warfare will lead to us at some point crying “uncle” and clamouring to become the 51st state, albeit a really big one.
We’ll learn to love Wayne Gretzky again.
And our new state anthem, “The Maple Leaf For Never.”
NEWSMAGRENFREW 