A number of American tourist groups within the industry are hurting because large numbers of Canadian tourists are turning their backs on America and finding other places to go spend their tourism dollars.
So these tourist people are determined that a reasonable course of action would be to form roving groups of industry representatives and ambassadors and come to Canada to beseech us to reconsider, and to run once again into their welcoming arms.
Um, no thanks.
They’ve decided to come to Canada and tell us how much they love us, how much they miss us, and how much they understand our plight in the face of damaging tariffs imposed by their government. You know, the one they elected.
Um, no thanks.
You want us to come back?
Maybe start by treating us with respect. You know the stuff your president says he wasn’t getting from the Ukrainians, back a couple of weeks ago when he demanded Volodimyr Zelenskyy kiss his fat ass, and then got mad when he wouldn’t.
That respect business is a two-way street, my friends, and you’ve got to give in order to get, but I suppose as Americans, your arrogance won’t allow you to consider such a notion. Maybe you can’t see stuff like that because it’s parked on the other side of your giant ego.
Your loss, not ours.
Instead of coming up here and wasting our time, maybe you could demonstrate your displeasure to the people who need to hear it. Like the people who did this. The people you voted for.
The most noteworthy address I could offer you would be 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Maybe go there. Just look for the inflatable Ernie from the children’s show Sesame Street, except it’s not Ernie, it’s your president.
But that will be a waste of time. The only way that guy would even notice you is if you were to show up with a sack of Big Macs, but a sack of Filet O’ Fish might work in a pinch. Maybe a McDonald’s warehouse party pack would get the job done. You’re smarter than everyone else, you figure it out.
My point is a simple one. You created this mess. Now you get us out of it.
Instead of coming here, why not show up at the door of your local congressman or congresswoman. Tell them how angry you are. Demand action. Settle for nothing less.
Threaten to primary them.
That’s how Trump whipped them all into shape in the first place, so use that tactic against him, and them. Trump’s brand isn’t what it once was, so his primary threats don’t carry the same gravity, because he doesn’t have the ability to deliver like he once did.
The people aren’t mad at Joe Biden anymore. They’re mad at him. These congress people are ripe for the picking, but the only people who can successfully exert leverage on them are people like you, Americans.
I can even give you a script:
“I didn’t vote for this. Not for any of this. And if you don’t do something about this right freaking now, I’m not going to vote for you either.”
Find the members of Congress and the senate who are up for elections in less than twenty months, especially Republicans. And put the squeeze on them.
Join forces with all the other disaffected Americans who were cheated by this charlatan. Maybe talk to federal workers losing their jobs to Elon’s chainsaw. Talk to a veteran losing their benefits. Talk to all those people who wonder about their health insurance coverage, of their Medicaid. Go talk to a whiskey maker in Tennessee. How about the auto worker looking at the unemployment line, or worse yet, the soup line. Talk to anyone who’s not a billionaire.
Invite Bernie Sanders to dinner.
Don’t come up here, though, because we’re not coming back until you get your house back in order and start acting like something other than a spoiled child. And then, maybe then, we might return. Then again, we might just choose to discover how rich and liberating life can be when we’re not economically tethered to a whacko country like yours.
You need only flip three Republicans in Congress to have an impact. Surely you can manage that, can’t you? We’ll support you by sending our own Pierre Poilievre down there, complete with his magic bag of slogans and rhymes, so he can hound and smother you with his patented Dr. Seuss offence.
Maybe be like your best buddies Russia and throw these assholes out a window. Just make sure beforehand that you ensure that there’s a bunch of red hats below so you get maximum effect upon impact.
Replace MAGA with TAPA, TAKE AMERICA BACK AGAIN. Maybe choose a hat that’s not red.
Find the smallest garbage receptacle you can and stuff Elon Musk in there, ass-first.
Maybe we can sneak Cal Scott across the border to help. Just for laughs, we’ll give him a backpack loaded with fentanyl. Not that shit you get from China, but our own homegrown stuff, with a hint of maple and a plaid shirt finish.
Keep Kevin O’Leary and Jordan Peterson, they’re yours now. We’ll even chuck in Wayne Gretzky and Bobby Orr, just in case you’re considering a pony show featuring iconic Canadian doofs.
Doofs With Hoofs you can call it.
At any rate, even though travel is your business in a sense, you might wish to choose not to travel to Canada to make your appeal to us. Because our patience with your president, if we ever had any in the first place, is now gone for good.
It’s up to you now.
You want us back? Simple. Make that thing in the Oval Office shut up and go away.
NEWSMAGRENFREW 