That Tesla Cybertruck is truly something to behold.
It appears that more and more of them are out and about in the wild, so sightings of this futuristic beast are becoming more commonplace. In fact, there’s even a couple in town.
I have to confess I have no idea what it must be like to own and operate one of these vehicles, with their supposed bullet-proof glass, a feature that I’m sure Elon Musk has included in all his personal vehicles, or at least the ones he shuttles around in. I can’t say whether the vehicle could stop an RPG — Rocket-Propelled Grenade — but I did see Musk himself shatter the window with a rock in an attempt to prove that you can’t shatter the window with a rock.
And honestly, when it comes to rocks, why waste them on the truck when you could be flinging them at Elon himself, easily the most loathed man in the world, which is a hell of a statement when you consider some of the people who walk this planet at the same time that he does. So why smash on the monster when you can get your licks in on Dr. Frankenstein instead?
I saw my very first Cybertruck returning from North Bay in a snowstorm, just west of Deep River. It appeared to be something different than the conqueror of roads and highways, as it was limping along at somewhere in the area of 70-80 km/hr, hardly the sharpened tip of the weather-beating spear. My Chrysler 300 blew right past the thing as it gingerly picked its way through the Canadian wilds, and my car absolutely sucks in the snow. And no, I wasn’t blasting along without a care in the world, I was just trying to stay ahead of the storm that was following me eastward along Highway 17.
I like to think I’m a tech kind of guy, and I’ve always been a car enthusiast, so I suppose I should have been agog to see this thing for the first time in person and up close. But Elon’s ruined almost everything he’s associated with as far as I’m concerned, so I didn’t give it any undue attention other than wondering why in hell it was moving so slowly and bunching the rest of us up.
I can only assume it got to where it was headed, and the Jetson family all made it home safely, albeit slowly. But then again, you cam’t put a premium on caution, or an abundance of caution, or in this case nothing but caution.
Was it the driver? I’d think that anyone with a Cybertruck would be hell-bent-for-leather to show off what it can do in irregular conditions, but then I have to remind myself that they don’t experience these types of conditions back in the truck’s home port of Texas. So even though the thing is faster than the Starship Enterprise, it’s probably not the wisest thing to be blasting willy-nilly through snowstorms to demonstrate capabilities.
The alternative is unthinkable. That the Tesla Cybertruck simply sucks in the snow, as simple as that.
I feel, in a way, for the owners of that one and all the others in Canada and in the area. They were probably on a waiting list to get the vehicle in the first place, and after that wait, the truck finally arrives and you’re happier than you’ve ever been in your life, forgetting the birth of your children, your marriage, and your Stanley Cup ring if you have one. If it was me, I’d be barely able to contain my excitement.
And now there it is, parked right out front, in the driveway, with a sudden increase in vehicle traffic past the house because word got around that a piece of space junk made it through the atmosphere and landed in your driveway. The whole think does nothing but enhance your notoriety. That bastard with the BMW down the block is no longer the top vehicular dog in this neighourhood, it’s you and your bullet-proof truck that sucks in the snow.
Nevertheless, you’re excited and rightfully so. A long time in the waiting, you’re ready to rock and roll, to be the toast of the town, to be the traffic-stopper who coasts by the slack-jawed pedestrian population of Renfrew. People point, there’s ooohs and awwws, and the inevitable old guy who looks at it and confirms that the whole world is going to shit, and where’s the Canada of his youth?
But your timing absolutely sucks.
I mentioned how Elon Musk is the most hated man in the world? Well, admittedly, that might be a bit of a stretch, but I’m pretty confident I can say he’s the most hated person in Canada, and likely the United States too.
And unfortunately, people in both those countries have taken out their anger with Elon on his products, primarily Tesla vehicles. Teslas have been vandalized and Tesla dealerships have been fire-bombed, and that’s just the work of daycare kids on their bungee walker-lines. It seems the anger towards Musk has permeated into the consciousness of our toddler class, and when that happens, there’s bound to be trouble.
So you have your new truck, and understandably you want to drive it, but now you feel you have to apologize for owning the thing at all. You hope nobody does anything to your baby, and you even contemplate buying one of those stickers that says “I bought this before Elon went crazy.” I saw a Tesla just yesterday with a red Maple Leaf affixed to the front, and that spells tough times, because if I owned a Tesla, or any car for that matter, the last thing I’d do is put a sticker on it anywhere.
And so I just want to recognize the plight of Tesla owners as they navigate a semi-hostile environment directed towards their vehicles, and maybe even unfortunately towards themselves.
For the record, owning a Tesla does not make you anything unattractive or bad. Who in blazes knew that Musk would go from somebody that had a degree of respect for his accomplishments to somebody universally reviled for his politics and his over-the-top strangeness?
This is a guy who wants to be a surrogate father with as many women as he can find so as to populate the planet with more geniuses just like himself. A prospect that’s laughable and horrifying at the same time.
For the record, before Musk became, well, himself, I would have purchased a Tesla no problem if I thought I could afford one. I put my name on the waiting list for the Cybertruck five years ago. I applied for StarLink. But I have no desire to blow up on one of his rockets. But I took my name off the waiting list, got a good Bell internet package with decent coverage instead, and remain steadfast in not wanting to go for any rocket trips. All of this before Elon became Elon.
I must say you have to admire a vehicle with bullet-proof glass, which must dissuade any malcontent from trying to attack Musk’s vehicle due to the futility of such an effort against such a machine.
For Elon’s sake though, we have to hope that those same malcontents don’t get it into their heads to charge at his motorcade with rocks.
It can stop a bullet, but that Medieval shit is tough to defend against.
NEWSMAGRENFREW 