It’s New Years.
It’s a thing to make predictions as to what might happen in the year to come. Almost every media platform does it, maybe because it’s a slow news day, maybe because it’s something that consumers legitimately want to consume. I’m not really crazy about it myself, but I do understand the whole slow news day thing, so I guess I feel somewhat compelled to enter the fray myself, and offer some speculation as to what may happen in the new year, as opposed to making predictions. So let’s go.
I believe the Toronto Maple Leafs are going to parade the Stanley Cup this year. I’m not a Leafs fan, nor am I attempting to curry favour with any Leaf fans out there who may be readers of mine. I just think that the additions made on defence, particularly Chris Tanev and Oliver Ekman-Larsson, coupled with existing defenders Morgan Reilly and Jake McCabe, make the Leaf’s top-four backend the best in the Eastern Conference. Combine that with the Core Four, and goaltending by Joseph Woll and Anthony Stolarz and the Leafs not only come out of the first round, but come out of the East as well. For the record, I see the Jets coming out of the West, but like the Leafs, they kind of have their challenges in the playoffs. But they’re sure looking good now.
The Blackhawks will pick first overall in the NHL Entry Draft and select Michael Misa, a centre from the Saginaw Spirit. Unless they pick second and select Michael Misa anyways, because whoever picks first will take one of the other three guys who could go first overall.
The Kansas City Chiefs will come from behind on the last possession of the game to win the Super Bowl. It’s just the script. It’s what they do.
The Toronto Blue Jays will suck, and there are no two ways about that. Then, when that’s done, they will lose both Vladimir Guerrero and Bo Bichette to free agency. But General Manager Ross Atkins will cushion the blow by luring a middle infielder with a good glove to Toronto in a free agency coup of his own. Great seats available all year at the Rogers Centre.
The Liberals will get crushed in the federal election that’s coming up sometime in the New Year. The little snotbag that walked like a man will become prime minister and proceed to piss everyone off, except those that voted for him, who will never admit that they elected a bona fide asshole to the top job. I believe Justin Trudeau will take the SS Liberal to the bottom, with Jag Singh and his New Democrats tethered to the stern of that shipwreck. That may well lead to the Bloc Québécois as Official Opposition, unless the Green Party makes an unforeseen strong push, which they won’t. because they’re the Green Party.
Doug Ford and the Tories will win a third term in Ontario. The Liberals under Bonnie Crombie will win no additional support and may struggle again to achieve party status. The NDP under Marit Styles will form the Official Opposition in Ontario, but no one will pay them any attention.
Donald Trump will fire Elon Musk. Musk doesn’t have an official job with the Trump administration, but the president will fire him anyways. There’s no way Trump could tolerate another asshole taking up all that space on the front page of the news. He may even kick Elon out of his special little apartment at Mar-A-Largo. As the Chinese like to say, two tigers cannot live on the same mountain. Or as the Japanese like to say, 二頭のトラは同じ山に住むことはできない, which means something in Japan, but is more or less consistent with what the Chinese say.
Global warming will continue apace, except for those days when it’s bitterly cold. Skiers in the Ottawa Valley may well have to take up pickle ball, or travel to the Rockies to find the snow they looking for to satisfy their need to blast downhill at breakneck speed and dislocate something, either involving their own bodies or local foliage.
Someone will win a Grammy Award, but I don’t really know who, because I don’t really care. Same for the Oscars, although who slugs who would make for an interesting conversation.
I won’t win the lottery at any point in 2025. I never win the lottery, God will not have it. It’s never even close, and it’s a source of great personal bitterness. I’m convinced this would remain to be the case even if I were to buy tickets.
Vladimir Putin will continue to look like a potato head, because there’s no surgery on Earth that can fix that kind of thing. And if there was, you wouldn’t want to entrust that procedure to a Russian surgeon, who would likely be a corrupt alcoholic who drops cigarette ashes into your open wound. Upon immediate reflection, that actually sounds pretty good.
Kim Jong Un will change his hair from the famous Korean mullet that he currently rocks to an East Asian Afro, which is a contradiction in terms, but it’s Kim Jung Un, so what are you gonna do?
Speaking of Kim, Donald Trump will offer to buy all of North Korea, except for the North Koreans who style Kim’s hair, who will instead be shot. And while we’re at it, the folks who do Trumps’s hair will be shot as well, only twice.
Maine, Vermont, and Michigan will become Canada’s 11th, 12th, and 13th provinces. Alberta will complain about it, but nobody will care, except for Renfrew County, which is a part of Alberta, only with no oil.
Russia will buy weapons off Amazon, but the deal will be cancelled due to insufficient funds.
Cheryl Gallant will win her eighth consecutive federal election in Renfrew-Nipissing-Pembroke. Sometime in the New Year she will surpass Len Hopkin’s record of forty-three words spoken in the House of Commons.
Bonnie Mask will appear before Town Council and advocate for a traffic circle at the intersection of Barnet Boulevard and Gillan Road. It will give her something to look at out her kitchen window. As Bonnie likes to say, what goes around comes around.
Honestly, I think that’s about it for me, other than to simply, yet earnestly, wish you the very best of New Years.
Live long and prosper.
NEWSMAGRENFREW 